I don’t want to do this anymore. I keep seeing you, and it hurts too much. I can’t post on here, because I don’t want you to know what I’m thinking, or of I’m thinking about you. I bought a leather notebook in Seattle and I think I should start using it for these posts. I just can’t risk you knowing how much I still care.

I love you so much Natalie.

well, i definitely feel a lot better today. it helped to see my friends in school. i saw you twice, i dont really know if you saw me either time. it hurt to just look at you. i dont have much else to say today, i need to start moving forward. it killed me to change my relationship status, but i had to. it was nice to have it there to pretend you still cared, but you said you no longer want that. i dont know why you didnt change it before i did, you’re the one that ended it. maybe part of you doesn’t want to let go?

i love you so much natalie robertson.

if i knew that was our last kiss, i would have held it longer, would have held it longer.

if i knew that was our last fight i would have stood up for you stronger, stood up for you stronger.

if i knew you didn’t think i tried hard enough, i would i have tried harder.

if i knew that was the last time i would take you home, i would have driven farther.

but natalie told me this is the end,

natalie told me she couldn’t pretend.

with all her heart, natalie swore:

“All my heart isn’t yours anymore.”

well, i need some sort of secret outlet where i can speak my mind. you’re never on your tumblr, so there’s a pretty good chance you’ll never see this. and that’s good. i want to record each day of my life since the break up, natalie. this has been the most confusing time of my life, but hopefully sometime soon, although i wont understand this, i will come to terms with it and accept it. i couldn’t even go to school today. yesterday i felt so good. i thought i was so brave, and so bold going back to your house trying to talk you out of it. but i learned that being brave isn’t always going to matter. but i am so proud of myself, i really am. our relationship was the best five months i have ever lived. i couldn’t have asked for something better. i am so deeply in love with you, and the idea of letting go of something i cherish so closely breaks me down. i just don’t see a future without you. and it sucks so much to know that it’s gunna happen. i just want you to show up on my porch, as i did, and tell me you made a mistake. but i know you never will. i know that the coming days are going to be the hardest of my life. there’s no love like the first, right? i’ve dated other girls, but nobody ever made me feel as purely happy as you did. i thank you for that. you made me realize that love is possible, even for someone as weird as me. you made me realize that there will be days that i can be the happiest, luckiest man alive. i just wish today was another one of those days. i’m going to write one of these each day, until i am no longer in love with you. it could span a month, or my lifetime. as of right now, i just want to hold you one last time. i want to ensure that everything will be okay, and that our problems could be fixed. but if this is what you want, and if this is what makes you happy, i have no other choice but to support you.

i love you so much natalie robertson.

Ughhhhhh

and thats it, im hanging it all up.